Lost to young

I'm sitting here listening to the tape of my grandfather's funeral from August of 1996, Chad Esckelson, his close friend is speaking and I have been brought to tears remembering my fun, kind, loving grandfather,Big D.  I knew he was taken to soon at the age of 62.  Nothing can change how I remember feeling at the age of 13 going to his funeral and wishing things could be different.  

The month before he passed he took us on a grand vacation to California- there were 13 of us, a baby and a cat in a large van, we all stayed under one roof in a Newport beach house for a week.  It is one of the best family memories I have of him and the Perkins.  I remember the sad moments though sitting next to him at dinner asking him why he wasn't eating and if he wanted some of my food.  I knew he had Cancer but I was probably in denial about where he was and how close he was to leaving physically.

Fast forward almost 17 years and I sit here again crying and longing for another that was taken far to early due to Cancer.  I wasn't in as much denial but then I was in more denial because she was my everything.  My beautiful Mother was taken at the young age of 56.  I have struggled so hard to understand and accept that she is gone.  She was a fighter, a protector, a positive force in this world that should not be forgotten.  The same circumstances arose at the end, I sat at brunch with her less than 48 hours before her passing wanting her to eat something, show me that this was going to be overcome.  She made every effort as she always did to comfort me and make it seem like things were going to be okay.  She did eat some of my meal.  Things are not okay without her a phone call or a visit away.  It is shocking, heartbreaking and sobering to realize I can't call her or go visit with her.  The hardest part has been not talking to her and hearing her laugh- She had the most amazing laugh and childlike innocence that I have ever known.  She believed in Garden Fairies and Santa Claus and could not be persuaded other wise- they were real and creating homes and a positive environment for them to visit was of top priority.  She gave the best advice and went off on tangents so easily- we had the cutest and sweetest conversations I thi

nk I will ever have with someone.  We would talk about nothing and I would leave the conversation just wanting to talk to her more.  She was a strong single mother that only wanted the best for Emily and I.  There was no one that could harm us growing up and even into adulthood without her protection and love.  She loved, she loved, she loved- I can't describe the love I felt as a child and as an adult from her hugs and expressions of gratitude for small things.  I always wanted to be around her and regret not spending more time with her and trying to overcome the disease.  Seven years since diagnosis came and went without feeling like a week.  The time we spent together over these last 28 years of my life are so precious that I can't imagine being here without her for the next 28 years let alone more.  Yet almost 4 months have disappeared since I was able to have a conversation with her, hug her, comfort her, enjoy her company.  I know that she is propping me up and giving me the strength to continue everyday. It is just a hard reality to realize that she is physically gone, her beautiful grace and spirit are with me daily- I just want to make her proud of me like I am of her.

She had such an infectious personailty even from childhood

She was so much fun to be around no matter what we did together

Untimely passing's

In the last few months two passing's have occurred.  Although the reasons are very, very different in reason and reality, they are both tragic that my heart aches for everyone involved to know the futures that have been dashed away.

The most recent, is a situation that I honestly could not think of being any more painful.   However, words cannot express how beautiful, moving and spiritual  the services held for my cousin Jared Alan Johansen from my father's side of the family 10/14/1984-11/30/2011

http://www.pleasantonweekly.com/obituaries/memorials/jared-alan-johansen?o=1542

I will forever be in awe of his loving family including his wife, brothers, mother and father.  It was such a dichotomy of enlightenment and pain to see the hardship and peace his passing brought about. I will always remember and honor him.  http://jaredjohansenlegacy.com/  and http://vimeo.com/33267736 are precious ways to keep his memory alive and help his young family.

The second death was also that of my cousin, Thomas Daniel Perkins from my mom's side of the family 9/24/1985- 9/19/2011   http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/concordmonitor/obituary.aspx?n=thomas-daniel-perkins&pid=153776376

Tom passed away under very different circumstances and had dealt with a mental illness for quite some time before his passing.  His death brought many memories of family trips and childhood to a forefront for myself.  I also attended his memorial which was an art gallery of his work along with hundreds if not a thousand people that came to support the family from the community of Plymouth, New Hampshire- I was in awe of his parents Dan & Jill along with his younger brother Andy to have such composure during the difficult time.

In the wake of these two events, people that truly never deserve pain, suffering or loss in their lives are suffering and it's breaking my heart to know that it will not be easily resolved and that they will continue to mourn the losses for the rest of their lives.

Jared's wife Tiffany has the sweetest soul that I think I have ever known- literally from the first time we met, she was open, honest and beyond words and was grounded with life, nature and love.  Hugging her on Tuesday morning and then listening to her speak and watching her throughout the services was breathtaking- she is so strong and the strength she had was beyond this earth.  It simply was beyond anything I have ever seen.

After Tom's passing, I often thought to myself e-mail Tiffany, she may have some advice on coping with a sudden death due to her brother Michael's passing years before.  I never e-mailed her and I know in my heart that I was being 'prepped' for Jared's passing by my thoughts and feelings insisting I reach out to both Jared and Tiffany.  Promptings do not happen often for me, but I know that I should have listened and followed through and will strive to do better

A beautiful rendition of Josh Groban's To Where you Are was sung at the cemetery by a family friend Cassidy Clark the lyrics make me cry and it was truly a moment that will be with me forever

I love both of you and pray for the day when we as a family can be together again

I also wanted to reference the blogs of Camille, my Uncle Alan's niece that was able to eloquently put into words and photos the events that have unfolded as a result of Jared's passing, please read these posts.

I've had many tears flow as a result of watching and reliving these moments and realizing there is still happiness and hope within our lives.

http://benandcamille.blogspot.com/2011/12/forever-changed.html 

http://benandcamille.blogspot.com/2012/01/here-with-us.html

Updates, Updates

#1 Lo and I are now married, not much has changed.  I had a feeling life would be similar to our previous non-married committed  life.  I have found out though that Lo is more fixated on the title than I am, in regards to what it means to his family and people's perceptions, which makes me feel a little guilty for not wanting to be married sooner.
#2 The process of diagnosing my mom with cancer happened this past week 5 years ago, which also coincidentally is when my wonderful Lo and I started dating.  I don't think I could ever praise Lo and my Mom enough for all of the love they have brought to my life and those they know.
#3 I thought I was pregnant a few weeks ago, could have been a honeymoon baby, after five years that would have been funny :) But alas I'm not, but it made Lo and I realize that we are closer to wanting children then previously known..
#4 Our wonderful cat Pumpkin, who I wrote about last blog, disappeared again, it's been weeks now, and everyday I miss her.  It truly doesn't feel like home without her and she is no where to be found.
#5 House Robbery is not something I want to experience ever again. Nor is a landlord that makes everything more difficult than it has to be.  But the silver lining was seen later, in knowing that the landlord cared and wanted to make our home safer.
#6 I enjoy nature and had a fantastic time on our Cancun adventure honeymoon, Dude Ranch Family Vacation and growing our garden- the little things make life worth it.
#7 A decision on where we are going to live is pending, but it may be closer to the picture directly below :)

A few favorites- sadly I've been a bum and have yet to get all of our wedding photos from my sweet sister and friends 

Love for my Pumpkin

I have always been an animal lover and overtime have gained more appreciation for animals and how they provide comfort and happiness in our lives.  So when my cat, Pumpkin went missing I was distraught.  I cried, We worried, We searched, I posted lost ads, I called vet offices, We looked at the animal shelter (which also made me cry to know I couldn't be a caretaker to all of the sweet animals)  After five days of unknown and worry, Logan and I were in the backyard calling her name late one night and we heard a meow and knew it was her.  We listened closely and realized it was coming from a shed in the backyard.  After frantically unlocking the door and moving items, we found her crouched in a corner.  Our kitty hadn't left us but instead was merely 50 feet away from our house, trapped.  She was frightened and hungry but is alive.  I keep going through different outcomes in my mind, which is causing me guilt. I feel the outcome could not have been better and I am so grateful to have my pumpernickel in my life along with a man that cares as much as I do about animals.

Oh and random moment, I saw Donny Osmond yesterday and I am 

99.9% positive he's had some work done, his skin was stretched unnaturally taut.

Wedding

I have been engaged to my wonderful Lo for about 2 years and 8 months, and we have been 'together/dating' since the end of July 2006 so 4.5 years roughly.  People often ask why we are not married yet and truth be told there are a number of reasons including- timing with my mom's health and the birth of two adorable babies that would have made it nearly impossible for their parents to attend the wedding.
Then I think to myself, those are specific, truthful reasons for the long engagement but I also know that my own anxiety of planning a wedding plays a large role and the fact that I like not conforming to society and more notably 'Utahs' perception of who and what one needs to do and in what order.  Logan and I are committed to each other and love one another.  So why would/do I allow myself to be influenced by society and it's perceptions of what is acceptable.  Family members and friends close to us understand the decision we have made and accept us with love.  However, it seems more difficult to be honest with other family and friends.  There is still a sense of keeping up pretense for pretense sake which makes it tough for me to feel at peace with relationships when I know that there is a judgement just for living our lives in a way that works for us.  All these thoughts over the last 3 years lead to the fact that we have indeed chosen a wedding date of June 10th, 2011 in a beautiful outdoor park in Northern Utah.  I'm excited and am currently enjoying the planning process and even trying on dresses this past weekend :)
However, I can't help but think am I caving into society's influence and ideas of what is appropriate?  This past weekend, a family member, while telling many members of my family about the wedding location and etc., asked repeatedly so is the ceremony also at this park?   I know the underlying questions was about being stunned that a temple wedding had not been chosen.  I was thinking to myself have I really been misleading about our lifestyle and choices to lead someone to believe that a temple marriage was my/our goal or personal choice?  Of course, I realize I haven't been misleading and in turn I shouldn't allow people's perceptions of what they consider appropriate to be the only choice for anyone in this vast world.  My life choices or lack thereof in some people's opinions shouldn't be a factor in making me feel less than what I know I am striving to be in my own life and my life with Logan.

hello, hello.. oh there you are, now where's my flight?

Haha- I am sitting in front of my computer making myself laugh at the silliest things today, because I am quite delirious.  If no one has heard- the travel industry has gone crazy due to Northeast Weather- I'm talking 20 inches of snow and high gusts of winds on Sunday 12/26 and Monday 12/27... so little me that wants to enjoy Christmas with my family decides to go to St. George with Lo and have a marvelous time- I just LOVE my family- they always bring me back to reality and keep me smiling. I get back 12/26, Sunday night and wow there are cancellations for Jetblue! and I mean crazy cancellations, like 40,000 displaced customers on our airline alone, so I decided to go to bed and worry about it the next day.  Monday, our wait time rarely dropped below 40 minutes with 1000+ calls waiting to be answered and today we received an e-mail that in total we cancelled reservations for 123,000+ travelers, and I think I personally have spoken to what feels like half of them.. I feel like the walking dead!  Oh and I just read there were 10,000+ bags stranded.  Hopefully, the call volumes drop and fingers crossed no more cancellations or delays for both customer service and airport crewmembers. I am astonished to realize how many people/vacations/family get-togethers/doctor appts were displaced due to snow and wind.  I for one am grateful I work in my basement and don't have to drive in that mess.  I'm also glad that my overtime hours are helping me pay off my credit card!
I wrote this weeks ago now- meaning to add pictures of the crazy weather but forgot about it until I wanted to 'blog' about something else and thought why not post this also.
It feels like life has been on repeat with my job and no end in site.  There have been FOUR additional irregular operations since Dec 26th including the current one happening in New York and Boston with 150 plus flight cancellations and more overtime!  As a sidenote JB lost 30 million dollars in revenue with just the December IROP- joy for profit sharing :(  I had empathy and even sympathy with and for the Christmas IROP travelers but now people seem to be just as tired of the weather and think we enjoy not getting them to their destinations.  I don't know how many times I've had to say unfortunately nature is just not cooperating with the east coast this month and yes it is snowing in New York have you looked outside and no we are not cancelling flights becuase of last weeks weather- it's another storm- enjoy :) And  now today after a few days of sunny but cold weather it snowed here in Utah. When will this winter ever end and am I willing to continue living in a place that has such crappy weather for 6 months out of the year??  However, it could be worse- New Hampshire was -35 degrees a few days ago!

excess of information?

How should one react in realizing that dreams and goals that were once vivid, present and free-flowing are no longer thought of, realized or attainable?

How can a person you love so much that brings a smile to your face everytime they laugh, talk or tell you they love you, not stay with you in quiet reflecting moments?

How do you put into words feeling devoid of all emotion, yet full of excitement for life and the possiblities when looked at from a different view?

I am confused, lost-if I'm being truthful- about what life should encompass. I am struggling to break a pattern of self-loathing and self-pity which are both invasive to every thought about the lives and possible deaths of myself and those around me.

It is not an enviable position to be in and I often try to seperate myself from realizing that in fact it is only myself creating the thoughts and state that I fear.

I need to start setting goals and believing they can be achieved.. Maybe I'll find some of the anwers I'm seeking on the beach in the Dominican Republic- yes I'm running away if only for a few days...

Recap of my recent past

I had a great Christmas Break- so much fun!
We went to St. George to see family and it was fabulous! After I hang out with my family I realize that I am very different but grateful for the differences and good laughs and wonderful times I get to spend with everyone even though it is to limited at times

I especially enjoy watching Logan as I see him laugh and joke and fit in so well with my family

I also had a wonderful month of January

A trip to Disneyland with Mom, Logan & Aunt Lisa

and then a Mexican Riveria Cruise with Julie, Kealy, Nesha and
many more of the Sellers family :) it was nice to see their family dynamics and interactions. It made me miss my family I had left in California & Utah

Both trips were much needed and not suprisingly I was sad and I am still sad the vacations are over almost two months later. I loved the sun and the beaches- It revived my spirit and I feel like I have been longing for the sun more than ever lately. Thankfully spring is right around the corner- I saw little crocus flowers the other day- it reminds of growing up in Kaysville and brought great memories back.

We are planning many fun adventures this summer but in the interim we have to deal with what I mentioned on my last posting in December. My mom is going to have her first Therasphere/radiation treatment on March 24. It's been almost four years since her diagnosis. The time has literally disappeared it seems- in that time she has triumphed over many obstacles including two open heart surgeries, a new marriage :) and continuing to work full time

SHE IS AMAZING!

The strength that she has and continues to show me and those around her on a constant basis is astounding. I find myself wondering if I would have such a drive if faced with similar challenges.

That being said, I am going to put my faith and trust into this new treatment and team of doctors and hope for nothing but the best while being by her side and enjoying what life has given me

Oh Today it can come and go already please

So the Holiday weekend was nice- I didn't spend as much time with family as I would have liked due to homework and it went by very quickly as always.

Today though has brought me back to a reality I dislike and makes me realize I need to spend more time with my family and not feel regret about not having those special moments. Why might I have regret?

Two words: Chemotherapy and Radiation

I found out today those two horrible words are going to enter my mom's life and therefore my family's in the next few months (insurance willing- stupid insurance) She has been through so much and I just can't seem to be ok with accepting this fact. I know we were given a timeline 3 1/2 years ago and now it's half way over. I realize that things were promised to get better without accepting some of these measures or even get better with them. It's just happening so quickly, time as flown by.

I am having such a hard time putting on a smile- I know my Uncle has survived, but my grandpa was taken by this stupid, stupid disease. I just don't know where to go from here. Of course I'm going to do everything I need to, to help, but it never feels like enough.

I feel restricted and lost all at once. I don't know what I am supposed to do beyond be available for her. Do I learn everything I can about what's happening, do I just sit and cry?, or do I keep living this life that seems moment to moment without any real moments in between. I guess what I feel after the crying is numb. Numb to those around me, numb to myself, numb to my other commitments, numb to emotions, numb to everyday happenings.

But even as I type this I know that I will pick myself up and be there in the moments she needs me and Lo needs me, because I know it is true and honest and I can't do anything else.

I don't mean to make this blog about these sad moments in my life as I have so many things I love and am grateful for- it's an outlet for some of my emotions.

Excitement and pondering of moments past

I finished work training! Since November 3rd I have had a hectic schedule let alone what has been Fall 2009. I've been driving from Bountiful to Ogden to South-East Salt Lake and back to Bountiful numerous times each week to get to yesterday and my graduation :) :)

A feeling of accomplishment came over me as I drove away from training- knowing I considered quitting my job over not being able to change the dates of training, to worrying about school and missing one class FOUR times in a row as a result of the training. However the biggest stress was not knowing if I was going to see my mom during the last two weeks and know that she was healthy and going to be ok to go back to work. Which unfortunately is quickly approaching-- next Monday November 23rd, 2009.



I'm going to pause a moment on that thought and vocalize how I feel a bit


My mom going back to work is worrying me so much- the fact that this past fall could reoccur so easily and not have a positive outcome like it has had. The doctor said she wouldn't be able to have another heart valve transplant again.. (i.e.- to much tissue was removed to make it viable in the future at least for the mitral valve).. this thought has me pondering on all of the unmistakable good fortune that I and my family have had over the last few years..


I was wearing my Hunstman Cancer Institute-A Reason to Hope bracelet and one of my co-workers at training asked about it and I proceeded to explain my connection to the Cancer Institute and once again realized that I am not alone in my experiences of having a loved one with cancer- it's fairly common and it makes me sad for all of us and hope that one day a cure can be found to spare people from being consummed by this unforgiving disease


I am also thankful for the moments I have in this life with those I do love- I cannot begin to say enough how much I appreciate all of my family and extended family friends that reached out and supported me during such a rough time in my life


I am happy to say that my mom is healthy

procrastination

Today I feel many things....and know I should be doing completely different things....

I need to catch up on sleep yet Logan is the one taking a nap- which he deserves :)

I need to focus on not getting sick yet my nose is stuffed and I have a headache that's quite persistent

I need to work on my homework and I have made an effort but seem completely

useless when it comes to writing something that's coherent regarding the

Congo Basin let alone three pages worth

I need to work out all of the frustration I have when I think of certain people and their actions or lack thereof

I need to go to the doctor and stop pretending everything is OK when I think my body is trying to tell me something

I need to focus on school and give it more attention

I need to focus on working at my job to earn a bit more money and feel like I can do all of the things I am daydreaming about :)


While all of the above is quite apparent to me and would seem easy enough to resolve, I can't seem to commit to any of the answers I already know would resolve the problem or issue. I really feel like I can handle it all but then I start making decisions that completely undo my progress of late

Self-sabotage is the worst crime against oneself

Thought Flow

I have a feeling that life is going to be good for right now but may not stay that way. I've been through a lot in the last few years. Many HAPPY moments that stand out and make me smile along with some very LOW moments that when I think about it I want to cry. I recently was writing about the last few weeks of my life and stated that I wish I could cry all of the tears right now so that in the future when I really should be crying I wouldn't be so everyone that thinks I'm strong will continue to see me as such and I will feel strong as a result. Why do I feel such a pressure to be the person that people look to only in times of need?

I know the experiences I have been going through cannot be pinpointed on any one thing or reason as to why, and I'll be damned if I allow any of it to stop allowing me to love and be loved. I only wish it would not be happening to those that I love. I need to figure out how to accept that life is life regardless of prayers, wishes, hopes and dreams. It can be cruel and beautiful at the same time and I am always learning to appreciate what is around me. I'll focus on finding a balance within myself that will get me to where I am going wherever that may be.

I love you mom and hope you know that despite our different opinions at

times that I will continue to support, love and care for you!

Summer is Fading Quickly

I loathe snow and therefore wintertime.

I don't like driving in it, walking around in it or putting on layers.

It is just a nusiance that I think I will move away from one of these years.

Instead of complaining more- Below are some of the great memories from this summer

and I hope that next summer comes quickly!

I was able to go to New Hampshire, New York and Boston twice this summer, I also went to San Diego this past spring and have posted one picture from the Telluride Bluegrass Festival in '08.

Bunker Hill with Neesha and Kealy, Strawberry Fields in Central Park


San Diego, CA

Perkins Cove, ME and Telluride, CO