excess of information?

How should one react in realizing that dreams and goals that were once vivid, present and free-flowing are no longer thought of, realized or attainable?

How can a person you love so much that brings a smile to your face everytime they laugh, talk or tell you they love you, not stay with you in quiet reflecting moments?

How do you put into words feeling devoid of all emotion, yet full of excitement for life and the possiblities when looked at from a different view?

I am confused, lost-if I'm being truthful- about what life should encompass. I am struggling to break a pattern of self-loathing and self-pity which are both invasive to every thought about the lives and possible deaths of myself and those around me.

It is not an enviable position to be in and I often try to seperate myself from realizing that in fact it is only myself creating the thoughts and state that I fear.

I need to start setting goals and believing they can be achieved.. Maybe I'll find some of the anwers I'm seeking on the beach in the Dominican Republic- yes I'm running away if only for a few days...

Oh Today it can come and go already please

So the Holiday weekend was nice- I didn't spend as much time with family as I would have liked due to homework and it went by very quickly as always.

Today though has brought me back to a reality I dislike and makes me realize I need to spend more time with my family and not feel regret about not having those special moments. Why might I have regret?

Two words: Chemotherapy and Radiation

I found out today those two horrible words are going to enter my mom's life and therefore my family's in the next few months (insurance willing- stupid insurance) She has been through so much and I just can't seem to be ok with accepting this fact. I know we were given a timeline 3 1/2 years ago and now it's half way over. I realize that things were promised to get better without accepting some of these measures or even get better with them. It's just happening so quickly, time as flown by.

I am having such a hard time putting on a smile- I know my Uncle has survived, but my grandpa was taken by this stupid, stupid disease. I just don't know where to go from here. Of course I'm going to do everything I need to, to help, but it never feels like enough.

I feel restricted and lost all at once. I don't know what I am supposed to do beyond be available for her. Do I learn everything I can about what's happening, do I just sit and cry?, or do I keep living this life that seems moment to moment without any real moments in between. I guess what I feel after the crying is numb. Numb to those around me, numb to myself, numb to my other commitments, numb to emotions, numb to everyday happenings.

But even as I type this I know that I will pick myself up and be there in the moments she needs me and Lo needs me, because I know it is true and honest and I can't do anything else.

I don't mean to make this blog about these sad moments in my life as I have so many things I love and am grateful for- it's an outlet for some of my emotions.

Thought Flow

I have a feeling that life is going to be good for right now but may not stay that way. I've been through a lot in the last few years. Many HAPPY moments that stand out and make me smile along with some very LOW moments that when I think about it I want to cry. I recently was writing about the last few weeks of my life and stated that I wish I could cry all of the tears right now so that in the future when I really should be crying I wouldn't be so everyone that thinks I'm strong will continue to see me as such and I will feel strong as a result. Why do I feel such a pressure to be the person that people look to only in times of need?

I know the experiences I have been going through cannot be pinpointed on any one thing or reason as to why, and I'll be damned if I allow any of it to stop allowing me to love and be loved. I only wish it would not be happening to those that I love. I need to figure out how to accept that life is life regardless of prayers, wishes, hopes and dreams. It can be cruel and beautiful at the same time and I am always learning to appreciate what is around me. I'll focus on finding a balance within myself that will get me to where I am going wherever that may be.

I love you mom and hope you know that despite our different opinions at

times that I will continue to support, love and care for you!