excess of information?

How should one react in realizing that dreams and goals that were once vivid, present and free-flowing are no longer thought of, realized or attainable?

How can a person you love so much that brings a smile to your face everytime they laugh, talk or tell you they love you, not stay with you in quiet reflecting moments?

How do you put into words feeling devoid of all emotion, yet full of excitement for life and the possiblities when looked at from a different view?

I am confused, lost-if I'm being truthful- about what life should encompass. I am struggling to break a pattern of self-loathing and self-pity which are both invasive to every thought about the lives and possible deaths of myself and those around me.

It is not an enviable position to be in and I often try to seperate myself from realizing that in fact it is only myself creating the thoughts and state that I fear.

I need to start setting goals and believing they can be achieved.. Maybe I'll find some of the anwers I'm seeking on the beach in the Dominican Republic- yes I'm running away if only for a few days...

Recap of my recent past

I had a great Christmas Break- so much fun!
We went to St. George to see family and it was fabulous! After I hang out with my family I realize that I am very different but grateful for the differences and good laughs and wonderful times I get to spend with everyone even though it is to limited at times

I especially enjoy watching Logan as I see him laugh and joke and fit in so well with my family

I also had a wonderful month of January

A trip to Disneyland with Mom, Logan & Aunt Lisa

and then a Mexican Riveria Cruise with Julie, Kealy, Nesha and
many more of the Sellers family :) it was nice to see their family dynamics and interactions. It made me miss my family I had left in California & Utah

Both trips were much needed and not suprisingly I was sad and I am still sad the vacations are over almost two months later. I loved the sun and the beaches- It revived my spirit and I feel like I have been longing for the sun more than ever lately. Thankfully spring is right around the corner- I saw little crocus flowers the other day- it reminds of growing up in Kaysville and brought great memories back.

We are planning many fun adventures this summer but in the interim we have to deal with what I mentioned on my last posting in December. My mom is going to have her first Therasphere/radiation treatment on March 24. It's been almost four years since her diagnosis. The time has literally disappeared it seems- in that time she has triumphed over many obstacles including two open heart surgeries, a new marriage :) and continuing to work full time

SHE IS AMAZING!

The strength that she has and continues to show me and those around her on a constant basis is astounding. I find myself wondering if I would have such a drive if faced with similar challenges.

That being said, I am going to put my faith and trust into this new treatment and team of doctors and hope for nothing but the best while being by her side and enjoying what life has given me

Oh Today it can come and go already please

So the Holiday weekend was nice- I didn't spend as much time with family as I would have liked due to homework and it went by very quickly as always.

Today though has brought me back to a reality I dislike and makes me realize I need to spend more time with my family and not feel regret about not having those special moments. Why might I have regret?

Two words: Chemotherapy and Radiation

I found out today those two horrible words are going to enter my mom's life and therefore my family's in the next few months (insurance willing- stupid insurance) She has been through so much and I just can't seem to be ok with accepting this fact. I know we were given a timeline 3 1/2 years ago and now it's half way over. I realize that things were promised to get better without accepting some of these measures or even get better with them. It's just happening so quickly, time as flown by.

I am having such a hard time putting on a smile- I know my Uncle has survived, but my grandpa was taken by this stupid, stupid disease. I just don't know where to go from here. Of course I'm going to do everything I need to, to help, but it never feels like enough.

I feel restricted and lost all at once. I don't know what I am supposed to do beyond be available for her. Do I learn everything I can about what's happening, do I just sit and cry?, or do I keep living this life that seems moment to moment without any real moments in between. I guess what I feel after the crying is numb. Numb to those around me, numb to myself, numb to my other commitments, numb to emotions, numb to everyday happenings.

But even as I type this I know that I will pick myself up and be there in the moments she needs me and Lo needs me, because I know it is true and honest and I can't do anything else.

I don't mean to make this blog about these sad moments in my life as I have so many things I love and am grateful for- it's an outlet for some of my emotions.

Excitement and pondering of moments past

I finished work training! Since November 3rd I have had a hectic schedule let alone what has been Fall 2009. I've been driving from Bountiful to Ogden to South-East Salt Lake and back to Bountiful numerous times each week to get to yesterday and my graduation :) :)

A feeling of accomplishment came over me as I drove away from training- knowing I considered quitting my job over not being able to change the dates of training, to worrying about school and missing one class FOUR times in a row as a result of the training. However the biggest stress was not knowing if I was going to see my mom during the last two weeks and know that she was healthy and going to be ok to go back to work. Which unfortunately is quickly approaching-- next Monday November 23rd, 2009.



I'm going to pause a moment on that thought and vocalize how I feel a bit


My mom going back to work is worrying me so much- the fact that this past fall could reoccur so easily and not have a positive outcome like it has had. The doctor said she wouldn't be able to have another heart valve transplant again.. (i.e.- to much tissue was removed to make it viable in the future at least for the mitral valve).. this thought has me pondering on all of the unmistakable good fortune that I and my family have had over the last few years..


I was wearing my Hunstman Cancer Institute-A Reason to Hope bracelet and one of my co-workers at training asked about it and I proceeded to explain my connection to the Cancer Institute and once again realized that I am not alone in my experiences of having a loved one with cancer- it's fairly common and it makes me sad for all of us and hope that one day a cure can be found to spare people from being consummed by this unforgiving disease


I am also thankful for the moments I have in this life with those I do love- I cannot begin to say enough how much I appreciate all of my family and extended family friends that reached out and supported me during such a rough time in my life


I am happy to say that my mom is healthy

procrastination

Today I feel many things....and know I should be doing completely different things....

I need to catch up on sleep yet Logan is the one taking a nap- which he deserves :)

I need to focus on not getting sick yet my nose is stuffed and I have a headache that's quite persistent

I need to work on my homework and I have made an effort but seem completely

useless when it comes to writing something that's coherent regarding the

Congo Basin let alone three pages worth

I need to work out all of the frustration I have when I think of certain people and their actions or lack thereof

I need to go to the doctor and stop pretending everything is OK when I think my body is trying to tell me something

I need to focus on school and give it more attention

I need to focus on working at my job to earn a bit more money and feel like I can do all of the things I am daydreaming about :)


While all of the above is quite apparent to me and would seem easy enough to resolve, I can't seem to commit to any of the answers I already know would resolve the problem or issue. I really feel like I can handle it all but then I start making decisions that completely undo my progress of late

Self-sabotage is the worst crime against oneself

Thought Flow

I have a feeling that life is going to be good for right now but may not stay that way. I've been through a lot in the last few years. Many HAPPY moments that stand out and make me smile along with some very LOW moments that when I think about it I want to cry. I recently was writing about the last few weeks of my life and stated that I wish I could cry all of the tears right now so that in the future when I really should be crying I wouldn't be so everyone that thinks I'm strong will continue to see me as such and I will feel strong as a result. Why do I feel such a pressure to be the person that people look to only in times of need?

I know the experiences I have been going through cannot be pinpointed on any one thing or reason as to why, and I'll be damned if I allow any of it to stop allowing me to love and be loved. I only wish it would not be happening to those that I love. I need to figure out how to accept that life is life regardless of prayers, wishes, hopes and dreams. It can be cruel and beautiful at the same time and I am always learning to appreciate what is around me. I'll focus on finding a balance within myself that will get me to where I am going wherever that may be.

I love you mom and hope you know that despite our different opinions at

times that I will continue to support, love and care for you!

Summer is Fading Quickly

I loathe snow and therefore wintertime.

I don't like driving in it, walking around in it or putting on layers.

It is just a nusiance that I think I will move away from one of these years.

Instead of complaining more- Below are some of the great memories from this summer

and I hope that next summer comes quickly!

I was able to go to New Hampshire, New York and Boston twice this summer, I also went to San Diego this past spring and have posted one picture from the Telluride Bluegrass Festival in '08.

Bunker Hill with Neesha and Kealy, Strawberry Fields in Central Park


San Diego, CA

Perkins Cove, ME and Telluride, CO