So the Holiday weekend was nice- I didn't spend as much time with family as I would have liked due to homework and it went by very quickly as always.
Today though has brought me back to a reality I dislike and makes me realize I need to spend more time with my family and not feel regret about not having those special moments. Why might I have regret?
Two words: Chemotherapy and Radiation
I found out today those two horrible words are going to enter my mom's life and therefore my family's in the next few months (insurance willing- stupid insurance) She has been through so much and I just can't seem to be ok with accepting this fact. I know we were given a timeline 3 1/2 years ago and now it's half way over. I realize that things were promised to get better without accepting some of these measures or even get better with them. It's just happening so quickly, time as flown by.
I am having such a hard time putting on a smile- I know my Uncle has survived, but my grandpa was taken by this stupid, stupid disease. I just don't know where to go from here. Of course I'm going to do everything I need to, to help, but it never feels like enough.
I feel restricted and lost all at once. I don't know what I am supposed to do beyond be available for her. Do I learn everything I can about what's happening, do I just sit and cry?, or do I keep living this life that seems moment to moment without any real moments in between. I guess what I feel after the crying is numb. Numb to those around me, numb to myself, numb to my other commitments, numb to emotions, numb to everyday happenings.
But even as I type this I know that I will pick myself up and be there in the moments she needs me and Lo needs me, because I know it is true and honest and I can't do anything else.
Today though has brought me back to a reality I dislike and makes me realize I need to spend more time with my family and not feel regret about not having those special moments. Why might I have regret?
Two words: Chemotherapy and Radiation
I found out today those two horrible words are going to enter my mom's life and therefore my family's in the next few months (insurance willing- stupid insurance) She has been through so much and I just can't seem to be ok with accepting this fact. I know we were given a timeline 3 1/2 years ago and now it's half way over. I realize that things were promised to get better without accepting some of these measures or even get better with them. It's just happening so quickly, time as flown by.
I am having such a hard time putting on a smile- I know my Uncle has survived, but my grandpa was taken by this stupid, stupid disease. I just don't know where to go from here. Of course I'm going to do everything I need to, to help, but it never feels like enough.
I feel restricted and lost all at once. I don't know what I am supposed to do beyond be available for her. Do I learn everything I can about what's happening, do I just sit and cry?, or do I keep living this life that seems moment to moment without any real moments in between. I guess what I feel after the crying is numb. Numb to those around me, numb to myself, numb to my other commitments, numb to emotions, numb to everyday happenings.
But even as I type this I know that I will pick myself up and be there in the moments she needs me and Lo needs me, because I know it is true and honest and I can't do anything else.
I don't mean to make this blog about these sad moments in my life as I have so many things I love and am grateful for- it's an outlet for some of my emotions.
