I'm sitting here listening to the tape of my grandfather's funeral from August of 1996, Chad Esckelson, his close friend is speaking and I have been brought to tears remembering my fun, kind, loving grandfather,Big D. I knew he was taken to soon at the age of 62. Nothing can change how I remember feeling at the age of 13 going to his funeral and wishing things could be different.
The month before he passed he took us on a grand vacation to California- there were 13 of us, a baby and a cat in a large van, we all stayed under one roof in a Newport beach house for a week. It is one of the best family memories I have of him and the Perkins. I remember the sad moments though sitting next to him at dinner asking him why he wasn't eating and if he wanted some of my food. I knew he had Cancer but I was probably in denial about where he was and how close he was to leaving physically.
Fast forward almost 17 years and I sit here again crying and longing for another that was taken far to early due to Cancer. I wasn't in as much denial but then I was in more denial because she was my everything. My beautiful Mother was taken at the young age of 56. I have struggled so hard to understand and accept that she is gone. She was a fighter, a protector, a positive force in this world that should not be forgotten. The same circumstances arose at the end, I sat at brunch with her less than 48 hours before her passing wanting her to eat something, show me that this was going to be overcome. She made every effort as she always did to comfort me and make it seem like things were going to be okay. She did eat some of my meal. Things are not okay without her a phone call or a visit away. It is shocking, heartbreaking and sobering to realize I can't call her or go visit with her. The hardest part has been not talking to her and hearing her laugh- She had the most amazing laugh and childlike innocence that I have ever known. She believed in Garden Fairies and Santa Claus and could not be persuaded other wise- they were real and creating homes and a positive environment for them to visit was of top priority. She gave the best advice and went off on tangents so easily- we had the cutest and sweetest conversations I thi
nk I will ever have with someone. We would talk about nothing and I would leave the conversation just wanting to talk to her more. She was a strong single mother that only wanted the best for Emily and I. There was no one that could harm us growing up and even into adulthood without her protection and love. She loved, she loved, she loved- I can't describe the love I felt as a child and as an adult from her hugs and expressions of gratitude for small things. I always wanted to be around her and regret not spending more time with her and trying to overcome the disease. Seven years since diagnosis came and went without feeling like a week. The time we spent together over these last 28 years of my life are so precious that I can't imagine being here without her for the next 28 years let alone more. Yet almost 4 months have disappeared since I was able to have a conversation with her, hug her, comfort her, enjoy her company. I know that she is propping me up and giving me the strength to continue everyday. It is just a hard reality to realize that she is physically gone, her beautiful grace and spirit are with me daily- I just want to make her proud of me like I am of her.
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| She had such an infectious personailty even from childhood |
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| She was so much fun to be around no matter what we did together |
