excess of information?

How should one react in realizing that dreams and goals that were once vivid, present and free-flowing are no longer thought of, realized or attainable?

How can a person you love so much that brings a smile to your face everytime they laugh, talk or tell you they love you, not stay with you in quiet reflecting moments?

How do you put into words feeling devoid of all emotion, yet full of excitement for life and the possiblities when looked at from a different view?

I am confused, lost-if I'm being truthful- about what life should encompass. I am struggling to break a pattern of self-loathing and self-pity which are both invasive to every thought about the lives and possible deaths of myself and those around me.

It is not an enviable position to be in and I often try to seperate myself from realizing that in fact it is only myself creating the thoughts and state that I fear.

I need to start setting goals and believing they can be achieved.. Maybe I'll find some of the anwers I'm seeking on the beach in the Dominican Republic- yes I'm running away if only for a few days...

Recap of my recent past

I had a great Christmas Break- so much fun!
We went to St. George to see family and it was fabulous! After I hang out with my family I realize that I am very different but grateful for the differences and good laughs and wonderful times I get to spend with everyone even though it is to limited at times

I especially enjoy watching Logan as I see him laugh and joke and fit in so well with my family

I also had a wonderful month of January

A trip to Disneyland with Mom, Logan & Aunt Lisa

and then a Mexican Riveria Cruise with Julie, Kealy, Nesha and
many more of the Sellers family :) it was nice to see their family dynamics and interactions. It made me miss my family I had left in California & Utah

Both trips were much needed and not suprisingly I was sad and I am still sad the vacations are over almost two months later. I loved the sun and the beaches- It revived my spirit and I feel like I have been longing for the sun more than ever lately. Thankfully spring is right around the corner- I saw little crocus flowers the other day- it reminds of growing up in Kaysville and brought great memories back.

We are planning many fun adventures this summer but in the interim we have to deal with what I mentioned on my last posting in December. My mom is going to have her first Therasphere/radiation treatment on March 24. It's been almost four years since her diagnosis. The time has literally disappeared it seems- in that time she has triumphed over many obstacles including two open heart surgeries, a new marriage :) and continuing to work full time

SHE IS AMAZING!

The strength that she has and continues to show me and those around her on a constant basis is astounding. I find myself wondering if I would have such a drive if faced with similar challenges.

That being said, I am going to put my faith and trust into this new treatment and team of doctors and hope for nothing but the best while being by her side and enjoying what life has given me